i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
