Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
