There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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