I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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