Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
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Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
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That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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