Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
