thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
