Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
