my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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