new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
