god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
