Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
