if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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