Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
