She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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