This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
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I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
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It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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