You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
there was a trapeze. enough said
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
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sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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