just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
