A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
