i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
