so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
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apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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