Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
