don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
