tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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