and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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