I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
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Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
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So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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