my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
