woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
