You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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