FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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