Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize