I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
