I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
