life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
