Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize