So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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