i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
