paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
