i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
