His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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