I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
