I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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