i would punch a child for taco bell
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have already put on my inside pants.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
