If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
