I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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