She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
