so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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