fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
