I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
