hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
