if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
