Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
