oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
